the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover