I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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