You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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