We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
