he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
