I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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