I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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