well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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