My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
it's like iHOP with fire
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
