saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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