you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
