You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
