Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
