I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
