Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize