Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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