does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
