If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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