So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
