my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
