so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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