obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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