Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
