I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
