I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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