I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
