You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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