So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
