you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Boobs are out for the taking
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
