why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
