Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
