You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
