Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
3 2 1 whiskey
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
