I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Randomize
