I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
thus making me awesome and them whores
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
be right there i have to get my cape
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
