hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
