My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were trust falling into bushes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
