I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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