Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
