I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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