WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
