My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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