after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
