Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
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Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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