Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
