her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
