sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
