Apparently you make a good broom.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
