HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
