broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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