Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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