happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
