i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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