dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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