Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I checked into jail on foursquare
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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