i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
