There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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